Poon - The Ultimate Closer

Arthurn Brown of Wichita, KS is considered one of the top defensive recruits in the country. The 6-1, 210 pound high school senior terrorized opponents last year on his way to recording a Madden-esque 158 tackles to go with his 8 sacks. Brown, who has more than 50 scholarship offers, receives over 15 letters a day from the top college programs. Pete Carroll, Bob Stoops & Urban Meyer all made personal visits to Wichita to convince Brown to follow them back to campus. So who's got the edge on landing him?

“Coach Meyer told me he’s selling me on championships and Florida chicks,” Arthur Brown recently said in an interview.

That's right, Urban knows SEC Poon is the ultimate closer. Forget championships, would you even notice if this Gator Poon was holding the BCS crystal ball under her arm? We know our man Arthur Brown wouldn't either. See on an SEC campus next year Art.

Nurse, Hand Me The Scalpel

In case you were wondering, the answer is Yes – these two identical UGa Pooners are in fact attached at the head. That being said, we dare you to find a hotter set of Siamese Poons anywhere in the country. Thanks to Poon Hunter extraordinaire Packman & the fine folks at Southern Fried Football for the Pooner Pic! Packman & co. set out on their 2007 tour this week. If he's anywhere near your campus just follow the Poon Trail to find him - Packman is a Poon Magnet!

Also, now would be an poontastic time to check out CBS Sportsline Columnist Clay Travis' new book, Dixieland Delight. SECP hasn't read it yet but Clay says it has a strong focus on the quality of poon we have come to know and love as part of SEC football. Poony props for him mentioning SECP on his world book pimping tour interviews!

Non-conference Poon Hunter's Delight

This season will provide some of the best Non-Conference Poon Hunting (NCPH) opportunities since that bartender chick from the Flying Saucer streaked the LSU/Arkansas in the annual Battle For the Boot at War Memorial - (link definitely NSFW!!). Following are SECP's top picks for enjoying some Non-Conference Poon:


# 1) Sept 29 - Bama vs FSU in Jacksonville. Folks this is a once-in-a-lifetime treat for Poon Hunters. The last time SECP saw this much Trailer Poon in one place was when we accidentally stumbled onto the Motley Crue tour bus in parking lot at the Muscle Shoals Supercenter back in '92. Also, this is a great chance to catch a peek at the infamous FSU Girls who are sure to be perched, very Poony-like, in the front row right next to CBS's cameras. All in all, it's a great chance to do some Poon Prospecting and well worth the round of STD shots endured for weeks afterwards.

# 2) Sept 15 - Louisville at Kentucky otherwise known as The Bluegrass Poontacular - it will be everywhere, and it's F'ing crazy! The equine theme will be out in full force as Lexington boasts plenty of Pony Pooner hooker boots, multi-colored racing silks featuring Wildcat and Cardinal colors finished off with some designer Gucci and Prada blinders. Please remember to do us all a favor...if you see a dude drinking a mint julep, kick him in the nuts and send his pansy ass back to South Bend.

Very Important Note: If you haven't seen the uncensored pics of this little Louisville Pooner pictured above, you're in for a real treat! All you have to do is send a great pic of an SEC Pooner secpoon@gmail.com. We will gladly respond with this highly coveted non-conference Pooner's delight fully uncensored! Trust us - you will not be disappointed but you have to send a good pic to get the goods...

# 3) Sept 1 - OK State at UGa. What sort of Poon talent will the Cowboys bring to the SEC? Absolutely none which is a crying shame because I was really looking forward to using the term "Okie Pokie Pooner (OPP)". This game is nothing more than a lame excuse to be in Athens, the most busty campus in America, over a sweltering Labor Day weekend. There's sure to be more cleavage on display than the years worth of Victoria's Secret catalogs stacked in SECP's corporate bathroom.

Roll Pooner Roll

"Blaine just LOVES it when I wear my stone washed mini, Tony Stewart thong, and flip flops to Bryant Denny. He told me after seeing this pic that he wouldn't have any problems settin' his Dickel and Cola Pop on my rumpshaker most anytime. It's funny...when I got back to my duplex that night and looked in the mirror, my seat number was imprinted real neat like into my ass cheek - a perfect 32.

Also this one time I was cheerin' so hard for JPW when he hit Prothro in the seam for 6, that same tube top I'm wearin' in the pic fell down to my waist and my cannons flopped out. I wuddun't worried though - cuz I think Simeon Castille seen my nipples...that was kinda neat."

COMING SOON . . .

SECP's Top Non-conference Games for Poon-Watching

Woooahhh Nellie!!!

This is a SEC Poon.com editor's dream. First, you have the Prim and Proper Pooner (commonly referred to as a Triple-P) on the left that looks daisy fresh complete with a spritz of Zima and a watermelon Jolly Rancher. On the other end, you have a Triple-P's sister who is visiting from Delta State. Then BOOYAH - right in the middle - Poony McPoonerson. One more note - these pooners have gotta be Ole Mrs. Fans - the only school in the SEC where fashion ALWAYS trumps school colors.

UPON FURTHER REVIEW -The Houndstooth Twins

Ahhh the famous Houndstooth Bama Twins, when The Bear’s not too busy spinning in his grave over Bama’s recent 0-5 record verses Auburn he’d love to tap that Crimson Ass. These Bama Twins are smoking hot . . . but are they really?

SECP conducted the following field experiment. Take any tall, slender unnatural blonde, cook her in a tanning bed for 3 hours (remember to rotate every 30 mins.), stuff her ass in a tight black skirt, cover her extra padded Wonderbra with a strip of Lycra or any spandex type material of your choice matching the home team’s colors, slap a Houndstooth hat over her head (which conveniently covers most of her face), faux designer sunglasses are a must, strap some thigh-high fuck me boots on her, drop her in the middle of the raucous college football crowd & tell us she’s not “All-American Poon-worthy”. Now pound several pre-game beverages, stare at every ass that walks by for the next 4 hrs & take another look. She just became the finest Poon on the planet. But don’t be ashamed, we’ve all fallen for it.

By the way, neither of these Pooners even attends the University of Alabama. No lie. Both these “lovely” ladies go to UAB. And their parents are Auburn grads. Now you should feel ashamed. Keep spinning Bear.

Poony Top You'll Always Be...

home sweet home to meeeeeee!!!! Poon-tastic is how to describe just one of these Pooners. The pearls, the tube top, the sweaty armpit purse, and enough makeup to withstand a 3 minute belt sanding - this Pooner has it going on! The other two are well - just there. When in the Sam Hell has it been acceptable for a pair of Pooners to wear Croakie's at any event other than the Fentress County Frog Giggin' Tournament weigh in - and that's only so your shades don't drop into the frog shit bucket while gettin' another Natty Light. I'm not sure why I'm going on a tirade though - take the Croakies off the Pooners and you still got...well...Pooney.

All Aboard the Poon-A-Boose!

Chugga, chugga, woo-woo! Aspiring Pooners take note. This well polished Pooner has game day in Columbia damn near figured out. It's hard to miss the dress - it just screams "Look at my pretty smile"! Several dimples in one smile is also a very nice touch that Pooners simply cannot fake. Meticulous Poon-Hunters will also notice the Rebel flag in the background attached to Jimmy McDelpicooper's 2007 Holiday Rambler 442 which is only $67/month over the next 3,283 months. Damn fine deal Jimmy.

Critical Poon Hunter Lesson: This brings up a very good point for all of you fratty's and GDI's take note of...Although the dress tells you to immediately quit looking at her face and stare directly at the upper 5/8th's of her titties which are so nicely exposed, she'll probably get pissed and think you're a dirty pervert for doing so. Make sure to wear some large, dark shades at all times (even if it has been dark for hours) which will enable you to sip your Cap'n Morgan/7UP and nod "uh-huh" while she explains to you that she has to meet her parents at 8:00 a.m. the next morning for breakfast at Denny's so you have to be out of her room by 6:30 a.m. at the latest. All the while you stare at the supple jibbly's unbeknownst to the Pooner.

Anyone Wanna Bet?

The feather boa might have seemed like a cute idea that morning but who wants to bet that by 9:00 p.m. that boa contained traces of Schlitz Malt Liquor, mustard, frat guy and boob sweat, slobber, makeup and puke. Let's just hope the pooner disposed of it properly.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

SECP would like to go on record as saying, although it defies all logic & reason in the world of tailgating fashion as we know it, SECP approves the "Sleeveless Turtleneck Half Shirt" as appropriate Poon Attire. That is all.

Swampy - Very Swampy...

Nothing says Pooner Pride more than wrapping a bottle titty around an ice cold MGD on a warm Fall day in Florida. Pair them up with tank tops and tube tops in classic Gator orange and blue and you've got yourself a cocktail party. This is a perfect display of a very common poon-nomenon referred to by experts as: "Hey! Let's all wear the same f'ing thing today but make it look different by wearing different colors!!!!".

Later the same evening these Poon Coons (note the eye makeup that could survive a pressure washer blasting 1200 PSI from 2 inches away) were spotted hanging out near Micky Dillahunty's post-party in the lot after the game, leaving on-lookers to ask, "who was that masked Poon?"

Poon-Litical Debates

Dozens of former debutants flaunting conservative sun dresses, fill the stands with their outstanding posture, poised to discuss various topics from free-market economics to global warming. This is . . . VANDY FOOTBALL!

Please remember to spay & neuter ugly Poons

Dawggy style is how these Mississippi State Pooners roll. I'm trying to figure out if that chick/transvestite in the middle has a mustache or someone just gave her one of these dirrrtiest grumpy munchkin's in SECP history. Nice post hole diggers on that Pooner in denim!

Little Miss Poon

Contestants in the Macon Belles Jr. Miss Pageant or freshmen ladies heading to the Dawg Pound - you decide. No doubt these pooners are dressed to impress at 8:30 a.m. on gameday in Athens. Fast forward 10 hours and you're sure to see at least 2 of these bulldog pooners passed out in a pile of something at the La Quinta on Finley Street.

Tiny Tim Sneaks a Peak

If you can peel your eyes away from the rack of Chesty McBoobs for a minute, you might recognize the Cheese Dick wrapped around her as Florida’s Tim Tebow. SECP can’t stand Tim Tebow. Not because of fist-pumping, chest-thumping antics after a 2-yard run up the gut. And not because of his ‘Aw Shucks’ sideline grin, which CBS required viewers to witness between every Gator snap last season. And certainly not because He was anointed the Savior in Gainesville, despite the fact that Chris Leak, without ever having a descent running game, re-wrote Florida’s passing records on his way to winning a National Championship.

No, the real reason why SECP loathes Tim Tebow is this . . . Chesty McBoobs would gladly share her lovely lady lumps with little Timmy, who in turn would say some thing like, “Gee wiz M’am. You have a very bountiful bosom. I’m sure you’ll make a great Mother.” What a Fucking waste.

Gitty Up Lil Poony

For those of you who thought the ‘Pig-tails with Little Black Dress & Cowboy Boots’ look was out, you were wrong. Annie Oakley here is bringing it back. Now excuse us while we try to attach these spurs to our loafers.

The Ten Poon-Mandents

What does it take to be considered Poon-worthy? Let these laws be your guide:

1. Cleavage . . . this is self-explanatory and comes in very handy when trying to sneak in a pint of Beam. No officer would dare dip into Millie Mae's cleavage on suspicion of booze sneaking. May also be substituted by a tight ass.
   


2. She must be wearing her school colors (Vandy excluded) & openly cheer for her team.


3. She looks as good in the 4th Qtr as she did in the parking lot 3 hrs before the game.


4. If she walks by & you don’t notice her, she’s not Poon-worthy.


5. Proper attire includes; dress, tank top, tube top, low-cut shirt, and/or $250 jeans.


6. Drink in hand. Extra points for a throwback stadium cup that has more than half of the logo worn off from previous poon-sca-pades.
   


7. Designer sunglasses are a must. The bigger the better.


8. Shoes are critical. If you look at the shoes and say, "How in the hell can she stand in those for 5 minutes let alone walk around this campus for 12 hours today?", you've got a winner!


9. It takes time, but you need study the speech patterns of the pooner. Expletives combined with players/coaches/booster's names are telltale signs of strong pooner candidate (i.e. "Brodie, get up you pussy - you ain't hurt!" or "I don't give a fuck if Toefield cain't spell - he sure can tote the mail!").


10. The game day purse. Barely big enough for lipstick, game tickets and daddy's credit card.
    And it always has a 3 inch strap so its tucked up into that sweaty prickly pit. Its the less sluty cousin of the "going out purse". You can actually take this one out in daylight hours.